Black Iris
2002-06-23
4:16 a.m.
Oh I'm so happy !!!!!!!!!!!!
The ones in here missed me ! They said they NEED me ! Yay ! That's really all that matters , that they need me , want me and are glad I am back .
Funny that Solar didn't realise she is a separate person . But what I didn't know about is that we somehow balance each other , she makes me less cold , I make her less fiery . She is most always mixed with us , it's always been that way . I think it has to do with her need to know as much imformation as possible because she is a protector of some sort .
So am I really . But what I do to protect us is scare people away . The ones that don't scare away are the only ones that will ever get to know even a small part of us and that's way more than most . Maybe I figured if they don't scare away , they might be less likely to freak and run away after we become attached and that hurts too damned much to love and care about someone and they just walk out of your life as though you don't count ! We have too much pain already without taking chances on people who will suddenly and without warning walk out of our lives . I'm not allowing us to waste our energy on friends ( or lovers ) who won't stick around awhile !
That is why we have very few friends and it shall stay that way . If those few decide to pull a disappearing act , well , I think we would be better off alone the rest of our lives than take anymore chances on being hurt . We have been doormats for people long enough ,letting others shape our very existence and that is just wrong . We have too much hurt inside already .
I am different . Before I did not like me , but now I do , a lot ! Still wish I could remember where I had been and what happened to make this difference in my perception of myself !
I am dead.
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