Black Iris
2002-07-16
7:57 a.m.
Solar is very angry . She went from being depressed to being hurt to being angry .
Jenny wants me to try and talk her out of preventing us from being there when you occassionally sign in but after Jenny was even afraid to say hi yesterday morning and her relief it was ok to say hi somehow made Solar snap out of her depression .
We all feel we have to protect Jenny . She hurts inside of herself more than all of us . She doesn't feel she has a right to be treated kindly . It really surprised all of us when she stood up for herself , but then it didn't surprise us one bit when she took it back . We are very afraid that this will be the end of us . Solar said you were working toward ending it gradually anyway . She said it wasn't to prevent our hurt but your own . I have to admit she is making sense here .
The thing is Solar loves you a lot but she won't allow Jenny or( Missy either) to be hurt . She feels the rest of us can take care of ourselves and I think she is right about that .
She told me about a conversation she and Sharon ( possibly Sharysta too ) had with someone who claimed to be M . He not only threatened to have us raped but he also said we would be so gradually extracted from your lives that we wouldn't notice . Well , he was very wrong , we noticed all along .
Solar thought she could get you to love and want us more and that she could change things . But the thing is she was doing the exact same thing M. was , manipulating everyone ! I helped her see what she was doing but in the process it became more clear that M. was manipulating you and us too .
Jenny is very scared and I don't know how to help her . Although Shara loves R. with a very special love , an unselfish love , (and GEMINI and K. too ), she is willing to let R. go if she has to so that he will be happy , Jenny's love for you guys is even more special , I wonder , do you realise how special her love is ? Maybe you do . We know you love us and care about us . But I also think Solar has a very valid point .
I know she is going to make someone in there angry . What she wants you to do is stand up for yourselves too , unless you wish to be relieved of us .
In my opinion , I think maybe you are unaware of what M. is doing . You said something to Jenny yesterday morning that made me wonder . You said something making me think maybe you didn't realise you weren't on-line the day before yesterday . Are you even aware of the dwindling time we have together ?
This is scary because we know we could lose you for good but Solar is really right , sticking around so you can leave gradually is hurting . Too much .
If it's M. and not you guys doing this , if you don't wish to lose us , you might have to stand up to him . We aren't going to hurt you like he thinks , he might be the one hurting you . I'm sure he thinks he is protecting you .
But i'm going to have to stand by Solar on this , even though Jenny is begging me not to . I feel for her but I think she will have to trust that we love her and that you love her too . On faith .
Solar is doing this TO PROTECT us from further hurt for no reason . I'm sorry Jenny , I DON'T want to hurt you . But honey you are being hurt sitting there hoping they will show up then being crestfallen when they don't , I can't take seeing you cry any more over that ! You deserve to be treated like the sweetheart you are ! Please trust us .
To you guys who are the object of our love , we won't be avoiding you per se , Solar just won't allow anyone to be there waiting tonight (or morning ) around 5am every other day , like it has been . She said at other times we can sign in but she won't allow us to stay on-line endlessly like we do , hoping like hell you show up . If you love us , and I believe those of you who know us do , this won't make you leave . If you leave it will be because you were going to anyway .
But it is very scary . We feel we are in mourning . It sucks . But so does seeing Jenny cry because she feels you withdrawing slowly , it is prolonged agony , worse than watching James die slowly even , because we feel we are watching our own slow demise .
You wanted Solar to be herself ! She is our main protector and she is back !
I am dead.
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