Black Iris
2002-05-17
2:45 p.m.
I'm really too selfish . Shara got blamed for something I said and I didn't correct it . Cause I was too embarrased . Realized soon as I said it that I wasn't being realistic . It was too late to take it back , it was said , and I realized just how selfish I am . Selfish and mean .
I really think if it weren't for me , our friends would like us better . Maybe I should do everyone a favor and disappear . But I think i'm too damned selfish to do that !
My heart hurts . I wish I were prettier and had a less abrasive personality . I like me ok , but others don't . To be totally fair our friends helped me to stop hiding , they accepted me in spite of the way I look . They are so adorable ! I love them so much ! But I think they would all be much happier if I ween't here , maybe they don't even realize it .
Gonna have to think hard , cause i'm only one , and if my absence benefits everyone , maybe it would be better for them . All of them , this system and the b/f system , cause I think i'm a problem in the way of everyone elses happiness . I just woke up when they were talking about physically getting lucky when I blurted out my dumb statement . Somehow I need to let them know it was me , not poor Shara . She would overlook anything they did , it wouldn't matter , she loves them completely to the point of anything they do to be happy is what she wants .
Maybe I allowed her to take the blame because i'm a tad jealous of her . But that's not fair . I need to fess up . But I just feel like going back to sleep to escape how people see and feel about me . Why do I care ?
I am dead.
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